Unfortunately, devastating events happen in our life that are beyond our control. Heather Alison bravely shares her grief and resentment in this trauma clearing session, as every parent’s worst fear becomes a reality for her. Listen in as I guide Heather on an emotional journey of acceptance and forgiveness, not only of others but, most importantly, herself. Assisting Heather on her journey to processing grief, we dig deep into how she can transform all the negative energy inside her into something that she can grow and learn from.
Full transcription of the show is below:
As you may recall, once a month, we do a trauma clearing. Trauma clearing is whatever has come up for you in the past, as far as things that have caused blocks. Some of the people that I worked with, their trauma have been extreme. I’ve worked with clients who have dealt with death, rape and other examples of violence or assault. It’s possible for that to get cleared out quickly, but what normally happens is we get stuck in the baggage of it and we tend to carry that around almost like it’s our luggage that we’re throwing onto our shoulders. It gets heavier and heavier and weighs us down. In this episode, I have invited my brand new friend, Heather. We’ve met 30 seconds before I started this episode. I don’t even know what Heather is coming to me for and I’m excited about that. It’s true that if you’re ready for an extraordinary change, it can happen immediately. Heather, welcome to Your Goddess Awakened.
Thanks for having me.
Why don’t you start by telling everybody why did you come? Why did you say yes to this? You’re going to be talking publicly about private stuff. Why did you want to be here? What are you looking to have help with?
It’s been a lot of things. It started about a few years ago. We got married. We started trying to have kids. It wasn’t working naturally. We did four IUIs but that didn’t work. We went into a round of IVFs with my eggs and it failed miserably. We ended up doing a round of IVF with a known donor, that failed. One was an unknown donor and ended up getting three good-quality embryos and transferred an embryo in August of 2020. Everything was going perfectly. From what we thought, the baby was super strong and was doing great. At the twenty-week appointment, they said his head looked a little abnormal but that happens. It could mean nothing. Only to come back in four weeks and then they would check him out again. We came back in four weeks and it was a laundry list. He had fluid on the brain. His head was still abnormal. His cerebellum was down into his spine. In the twentieth week, they couldn’t see the bottom of his spine. It ends up he had Myelomeningocele Spina Bifida. The prognosis was bad. It was awful.
It goes against everything. As a mother, you don’t want your kid to suffer. That’s when I kept thinking that he’d be paralyzed and incontinent. There was a good chance that he would pretty much be a vegetable. There was also a chance if we did the surgery, he would be a low IQ. It was such a spectrum and they were leaning on the side that he would have no quality of life. This little boy was loved and is still loved so much. I love him so much. He’s all I think about and I miss him so much. At 26 weeks, we ended up delivering him. We got to meet him but he was delivered stillborn. Going through having to stop his heart and then knowing the guilt because he was so loved. I wanted him but at the same time, I couldn’t sit by and watch him suffer for a lifetime. It’s hard. It goes against everything as a mother that you believe in. At the same time, I couldn’t have him suffer. There are so many things. Does he understand where he is at? Does he hate me for what I did? It’s these thoughts. I know some of them are rational and some of them are irrational. It’s our story for the last few years in a nutshell.
Thank you for sharing that and for your ability even to talk about that because you have to be able to talk through it and to be able to get to the other side. What’s your husband’s name?
I love that name. How does he feel about this?
He’s very logical. To him, there was no question. He couldn’t bring a son into this world that would suffer. For him, he loves this little boy so much too. It’s hard for him but at the same time, there was no gray area like there was and still is for me. It was black and white. He knew what needed to be done. He’s been strong throughout this whole thing. I’ve fallen apart, especially after we had to deliver him. He was strong. He’s hurting but he’s grieving a little bit differently.
What do things look like for the two of you now? Do you feel bonded because of this experience or have you two pulled apart because of this experience?
[bctt tweet=”You can grieve, but don’t run away.” username=””]
About a month after it happened, I felt like he was trying to get me out of my grief. I didn’t want anyone to help me get out of my grief. I wanted to be alone with my grief. I wanted to be done. That’s when he told me, “No. I’m here for you. I’m going to let you grieve but I’m not going to let you run away.” We’ve slowly started to become closer and closer because there was a time through all this that I feel like a good month where we were separating and dividing. It was me. He was trying to make me happy and look on the bright side. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be miserable. I miss my little boy.
This is important for anyone who’s ever been through grieving. Your process is your process. It doesn’t belong to anybody else. Different people process things differently. One thing that’s important is you are kind to yourself. You honor the process that you’re going through. This happened a few years ago or you got pregnant a few years ago? How long has it been since you had to bury your son?
We had to stop his heart on February 5th and we delivered on February 7th.
You’re still in the more acute process of this grieving and perhaps he is too. Even if he’s not, it’s because of where he is. Energetically, he may have been able to move on faster. You were the one growing the baby inside of you so that bonds you more even than him who helped co-create it. This makes sense that it’s even harder for you. Also, as you said, he’s very logical. He’s using his logic to say, “If A then B, then C, then D, and therefore this is how it is.” That’s a different approach as well. We’re honoring his process and your process.
I am well aware of how he was grieving. It wasn’t going to be the same as mine. I didn’t want it to tear us apart. I’m glad that it hasn’t. There was a time that I was done, though. I wanted nothing to do with him or anyone else for that matter.
When we’re in that moment where we are grieving and we go down like this, we don’t want to feel different because different doesn’t feel safe. This is important as well. I want you to understand that this is going to be maybe an energetic shift for you. I want you to hear it with your ears as well. Forgive and forget are not the same thing. To forgive yourself, your doctors, everyone associated with it, the baby for not being healthy, there are all kinds of irrational things that you could need to forgive because you feel upset or angry. Maybe, the baby, being an innocent little soul, you will not even consider that you’re angry with the baby. You may be though. Whatever your forgiveness process is, it’s belonging only to you. You want to move through that. We’ll do some of that here.
Forgetting is not the same thing. You will never forget your baby. You will never forget this experience. You will never forget this time in your life. You will continue to honor your baby’s memory, but you don’t need to stay stuck in the energy of the situation in order to honor him, to stay connected with him, and to continue to have this be something that you remember for the rest of your life. We don’t want you to remember it so acutely that it makes you cry every time you think about it. We want you to remember the good pieces and there are good pieces as opposed to continually beating yourself up, feeling guilty, thinking he hates you, and all the things that you’ve said. Does that all make sense to you?
Are you willing to let go of the attachment to being wrong, the attachment to the situation being awful and to begin that healing process?
Yes, I am, more than you know.
I’m glad that you’re here and I’m here to help. I have one more question for you. What’s your favorite word for God?
What’s your spiritual or religious background?
I was raised LDS. I haven’t been an active LDS for many years. I believe in a higher power. I like the idea of being reincarnated and souls coming back. I like the idea of love binding us. Maybe my sister in a previous life might have been my daughter or my mom. That’s my belief. What feels good to me is that love binds us and this life isn’t final. We have a lot to learn in this life that we could take on to other lives.
Thank you. Is it possible in your belief system that your son did not need to be born living in this lifetime and in this world to teach you and Zachary a lesson by his presence?
I’ve never thought about it that way. I always thought about it the other way. Maybe he needed to be born to teach us a lesson and we made the wrong choice, but I never thought about it the other way. In every decision in my life, I second-guess myself all the time. For this one, I’ve gone back and forth a lot. I’ve never thought about it that way.
What if this is not only a lesson about what happened in the circumstances? What if it’s also shining a spotlight on that bigger lesson, that lifetime lesson of you second-guessing yourself? This is a huge thing to second-guess yourself about, maybe the biggest thing that’s ever happened to you. What if this is part of the lesson? What if your son came into your life to teach you that lesson?
That could be possible.
Would that be okay with you if that was the purpose of the relationship?
It could. I do like thinking about it that way a lot more than the other way.
We have a tendency to shame, blame and punish ourselves as human beings. I’ve often asked why because it’s the most annoying thing. It’s like, “We come in with the perfection of God. We then fall from grace of our own volition.” You’re two years old when you have that whole duality conversation about, “This is me and this is God. God is great and I suck.” We have that. The basics for that start to happen when we go from unity awareness to the duality. At that point, we’re two years old. We may not be able to consciously talk about it like that, but we start saying you and me at that age and differentiating. From that point on, we’re imperfect. We then have the reinforcement of our religions, our families and the adults in our lives, the ministers, the school teachers, etc. They’re telling us how wrong we are, how not okay we are, how much less we are than our spiritual father, mother or God.
This is what I know. Your son’s soul being is perfect. As your soul being and everyone’s soul-being, it exists across time and space, regardless of the moments on this planet. Your son, just as you are, as Zachary is, as we all are, is a continuum. He dropped into this lifetime to teach that lesson and then moved on. It seems like agony for you but he got to learn a lesson and be a lesson that quickly. The rest of it is stories that we tell ourselves, “I’m wrong. I’m guilty. I should have this or that.” Because I don’t know you, I don’t know the long history of you trying to get pregnant and what that meant. I don’t know if you would consider adoption after this. I don’t know if you’re going to try again to have a baby. Those are personal choices. Those souls come into our lives and leave our lives as is needed, not necessarily as is wanted.
We lost a dear friend to advanced cancer. She was 34 years old. She was an extremely important person in the life of me and my sweetheart. It was agony watching her go. The lessons that I learned about grace, experiencing that we’re very powerful. It’s an opportunity and a lesson. The only thing that’s wrong about it is us beating ourselves up when it happens like her mother not being able to stop it and wanting to and feeling like, “If I were a better person, would she have been able to stay?” That’s not even the question.
From everything you described to me, you would have tortured the physical being of your son by bringing him into the world. There are people who will disagree with that completely. There are people who would call you names for making that choice. To me, this is about love and you loving that child enough to make a decision like that. You loving yourselves enough to make that decision for him and honoring what happened, which is a terrible lesson to have to go through. One that I’m sure anybody reading this would say, “For the grace of God, I’m grateful that Heather is having to experience this and I don’t have to experience this because it’s a terrible thing to have gone through.” It’s your lesson and you get to learn it with grace. Does that make sense?
[bctt tweet=”The souls come into our lives and leave our lives as is needed, not necessarily as is wanted.” username=””]
It does. I’ve beaten myself up over this. I think about him all the time. I second-guessed if the doctors were wrong and I know they probably weren’t. They’ve seen this or they deal with kids with severe Spina Bifida. It’s this logical and emotional part of me that has been fighting because I love him so much. I’ve never thought about it in that way, as a lesson to learn and maybe he needed to drop in quick to show me what true love is.
That’s important because neither you nor Zachary has loved that unconditionally before.
No. I would have taken care of him for the rest of his life. At the time, when we were going through it, I was like, “That’s not a life for him to live.”
You also don’t know what would have happened. You don’t know that he would have still been born alive. You don’t know that he would have survived outside of your body. You don’t know that with those injuries being that severe if any useful thing would have come out or even if he would have come to term. More importantly, none of those matters. South of your decision to honor his highest and best good by terminating the pregnancy, you don’t even get to experience that. Reel your energy back from there because your energy is spending a lot of time down in a place that doesn’t exist and never existed.
I believe in medical miracles and I’ve seen a bunch, but the thing that you’re talking about is extreme. We don’t have the tools for that kind of healing as human beings, certainly not consciously and not as little tiny beings. He wouldn’t have been able to heal himself. What I would like to do is walk you through an exercise where you can connect with his soul and talk to him and let him tell you. We’re talking and there’s deeper work to be done here. Are you okay to go on that journey with me?
Sure. I’ll try.
Close your eyes. I want to invite you to relax your body and relax your mind. Have you ever worked with your angels or your higher self before?
No, I haven’t.
We’re having a grand experiment then. Are you willing to have a grand experiment with me?
Take some deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. As we relax your body, we relax your mind, and we begin to allow. There’s been so much pain lately. We are beginning to allow it right now. Everything is just is. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s just is. We’re not adding to the weight of it. We’re not taking any of the weight off. We’re experiencing it exactly as it is. In this now moment, I invoke all of my guardians and guides and all of Heather’s guardians and guides as we allow everything to unfold perfectly in her highest and best good, and the highest and best good of her family.
We are knowing that right where Heather is, the master intelligence of the universe is. We are seeing and allowing the opportunity for a shift in this now moment. I am in such gratitude about getting to be here, about getting to experience this energetic up-leveling, this energetic meeting up of the old wounds with Heather. I am knowing that she is cradled in the arms of the Master. I am knowing this for her, for Zachary and for her son. The amazing soul who came to this world for such a brief moment to do all of the lifetime’s work in one breath and to be gone once again into the next assignment. I’m releasing my word into the law knowing that it is already done. Amen.
Heather, keep breathing, keep allowing and keep relaxing. Without going any deeper, I’d like to invite you to imagine that there is a clean room in your mind. I’d like to invite you to go and sit in it. You’re in a big, comfortable chair in a big empty room. If you look around while you’re seated, you’ll see that there’s a door over on one side of the room that’s shut and there are windows that are closed. It’s a big empty room and you’re seated in a comfortable chair that can look any way that you would like. Can you feel that? Can you feel seated in that chair in that room?
Yes, I can.
On the opposite side of the room, directly in front of you, there’s a small stage that’s one step up and it’s empty. Being poured onto that stage from pure light into form is the soul-being who came into your womb and left as your son. This can look any way that you’d like. Can you see him?
Tell me what he looks like, just a little bit.
He’s a grown man. He’s good-looking.
Did you have a name for him for this lifetime?
Let’s ask him if he wants to be called Finley or if he has another name. Tell me what he says. What’s he telling you? You can see him but you can’t hear him, correct?
I can’t hear him.
I don’t think that’s his name but he seems like he likes it.
That’s exactly right. That’s perfect. Heather’s big brain, we want to invite you to take a little step to the side right now. Move offline a little bit. Heather’s higher self, Heather’s soul-being, we know that you are here. We know that Heather’s guardians, guides, and angels are especially close in her grief and especially close with her in this time period of her life to help her, to support her, to allow her to move through this lesson. I would love for Finley to be able to talk directly to the Heather being and that is facilitated through the soul that is Finley through the soul that is Heather. Heather’s big, beautiful brain, you’re invited to have a little nap. I’ve got this. I’ve got Heather and I will make sure that she’s safe. Finley, is it alright for us to call you that? What does he say?
Now, you can hear him. Let’s ask him what message he has brought through for you. Finley, what message does Heather need to hear? Heather, tell me what he’s saying to you.
That I miss mom. He did pick me. He does love me. I’ll always be his mom and this isn’t the end for us. We’ll be together again.
Heather, Finley would like to share with you why it worked out this way in this lifetime. Are you willing to hear that?
[bctt tweet=”We’re wearing our physical beings, but they’re not the truth of us. The truth of us are our souls.” username=””]
Finley, please explain this to Heather in a way that can settle her heart so that she understands and she doesn’t have to feel guilty every day anymore, so this burden of weights can be lifted from her heart. She’s struggled already for so long with it. What’s he saying?
I’m trying to hear him.
Heather’s big brain, remember, you haven’t been able to solve this on your own. You have not been able to sort through this. You are invited now to move out of the way enough so that Finley who has much to say, he’s such a beautiful light, can come through and speak with you directly. I’m hearing him but I want you to be able to hear him as well. Heather’s big brain, allow Finley to take over a little bit so that he can share with you what you need so much to hear. Finley, go ahead. Heather, can you hear him?
I can see him. I can feel him.
That’s fine. May I share with you what he’s saying?
He’s saying, “I am always alive. I am always here. I came through you the way that you needed me to, to facilitate the lesson. That is why I was there. I’m moving on but not energetically, just physically. I will always be here with you. I will always be part of you.” Can you feel that what I’m sharing with you is true?
I do. I feel his love. I have a lot of hate for myself. I do feel that he’s proud of me. He’s a grown man. He looks happy. From what I’m feeling through it, there was no right or wrong choice. It was going to be either way. He does love me for what we did.
Yes, of course. The spirit says, “The lesson is in the choosing,” and that is true. It’s beautiful that he shared that with you. There are multiple lifetimes on this planet. Each of our lifetimes, individually, is long in terms of how many breaths we get to take, but it’s so short in terms of what’s possible. It’s short in comparison to the stars that we are. This is such an energetic shift to go from this lifetime, this son, this husband, this house, this work and these pets to our bigger picture selves where you are a soul having a human experience. We’re wearing our meat suits. We’re wearing our physical beings but they’re not the truth of us. The truth of us is our souls. The truth of that little tiny baby is this fully-formed, fully-realized soul that’s showing up as a man for you so that you can have something to hang your hat on. It’s hard to talk to a million points of light. That’s what we are. That’s the gift of who we truly are. Heather, feel inside of yourself. Does it feel like you deserve to have guilt, shame or blame?
No, I don’t. I do feel like he loves me.
In your mind’s eye, I want you to stand up in the chair, in the room. Stand up out of the chair and go over to the stage. Let Finley embrace you. Let him hold you and you hold him. For this now moment, connect your soul to his soul. Can you feel him?
Yes, I do.
It’s time to say goodbye to him for now. He can come back any time. This love that you feel shift energetically, feeling it for this tiny little helpless infant that you had to let go of before he was even fully formed. Move it into feeling the love for the soul-being and feeling that is an angel presence that you can carry with you whole, with your head held high for the rest of your life. Do you understand?
Are you ready to say goodbye for now?
Yes, for now.
He can come back any time. He’s with you and Zachary all the time. Now, you’ll be able to see him as this presence instead of this helpless being that you had to make this terrible decision around.
[bctt tweet=”You get the same number of breaths in your life every single day as everybody else. What are you doing with all of those breaths?” username=””]
As Finley fades away, I want you to go back and sit in the chair for another moment. On to the stage comes you because you’ve forgiven everybody else but you haven’t forgiven yourself. Do you see her standing on the stage?
Are you willing to forgive her?
Is she willing to receive that forgiveness?
Yes, she’s ready.
We don’t want you to think. We want you to know. Let’s ask her. Heather, are you willing to be forgiven for this thing that you feel that you did, that you had control over, when you were just a part of a much bigger story?
Feeling your forgiveness for her and her receiving that forgiveness, as strange as this sounds, go over and give her a hug because she needs it. She’s been suffering so much.
Yes, she has.
That suffering ends right here, right now, doesn’t it?
We’re going to say goodbye to Heather on the stage. I want to invite you to come back and sit in the chair once more. Your higher self is here, your soul being, your guardians, your guides and your angels. All of us are going to pour energy into you. We’re going to send out all the old energy that no longer serves and we’re going to flood your body with light, with allowing, with peace, with joy and with happiness. You got such a gift being able to see who Finley is. There can be joy in your heart and happiness in your heart when you think of him instead of sadness and pain. Can you feel that?
I do. I feel he does love me.
Of course, he does. He’s grateful to you for choosing to sacrifice some part of your innocence to experience this lesson, all of you together. It’s not just your lesson. It was his. It’s Zachary’s. It’s your parents. It’s his parents. It’s the nurses, the doctors and the people who are in the hospital. It’s everyone’s lesson. Sit and feel that there is an opening at the top of your head, the crown of your head, that space where the fontanelle is as a little child, that space where you come out with a hole still in your skull as a baby and it closes over time. That is the space that I want you to focus on right now. I want you to feel it opening up like an aperture on a camera lens. I want you to feel the white, pure light of love, power, energy, happiness, joy and peace.
I want you to feel that to begin to flood into your body. As you do, I want you to feel that your feet on the ground are releasing all the old energy, the pain, the suffering, the anger, the guilt, the shame, the fear, the desperation. It’s all moving out of your body, down, flowing through your feet. As your body begins to be filled with the cosmic white light radiating from all of your guardians, guides and angels, you release everything that no longer serves you. The outflow goes through your feet to be transmuted back into pure energy from which it came. Your whole body now is flooded with a cosmic white light, a pure heart, energy, pure love, pure joy and pure happiness. Can you feel that coming through?
I do. Yes.
Feel that and come on back as you are ready. We invite your big brain to relax, waking up gently and slowly from this nap. We invite you to come back newly rebirthed into this being that is known in this lifetime as Heather. All the moments before now have faded away. All the moments after can be different. How do you feel?
Relieved. He had the kindest face. He was happy. He was smiling.
There’s so much going on the other side that we have no awareness of. It’s like you put the meat suit on. It’s called the Veil of Maya. The Veil of Maya is this veil that we put over ourselves in many ways that put us to sleep. Even the most awake of us is barely awake compared to what our souls are capable of. If our souls are as awake as they want them to be, our brains would explode. You got a glimpse into that. That will start your healing process.
I can think of him now as someone that does love me. He’s there for me.
I’m going to get this episode sent to you early personally so that you can share it with Zachary as well if you would like that.
I want to encourage you to watch it again but not for a little while. I want to encourage you to wait for maybe a week before you see it again. I want you to start getting some distance between the acuteness of what you were feeling until this now moment and the way that you’re going to feel going forward because you put your burdens down. You put that baggage down and you did it beautifully, Heather. It was remarkable.
Thank you. I didn’t know what to expect at all. It was real. I could feel him. He does love me. That’s why I’ve beating myself up and hating myself for so long is because I love him so much. I was scared that he didn’t understand and that I made the wrong choice and feeling him, knowing that there was no right choice. If we had let him live, it would have been a different lesson. It would have been hard. This is hard because this is something that goes against what every parent feels and believes.
In the last few minutes together, I’d like to invite you to tell me the story of how things are going to be for you now when you think of him and how things are going to be now when you interact with yourself. Tell me the new story now that you have all of this, knowing that you didn’t have it an hour ago behind you.
I feel that I can view him now more as an adult, as a person and not so much as a baby that doesn’t understand. I view him as someone that completely understands the situation 100% and knows the choices that we were faced with. I feel like now I can go forward. I talk to him a lot and I write him letters a lot. I feel like I can go forward and not always be apologizing to him. In every single letter, I’m telling him how sorry I am. I feel like now I can go forward and maybe go on and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. Maybe we’ll be together again someday. There’s been a lot of guilt. I feel like now I could maybe possibly move on and get to know him as best I can with him not being here and vice versa.
You can now choose to treat yourself with kindness.
Yes. I don’t need to be beating myself up so much and hating myself or at all, especially for this.
Also, for everything. We waste much of our lives beating ourselves up. We waste much of our lives telling the story of what’s wrong, what’s not working and punishing ourselves. All of it is useless energy that could be spent on joy and spent on happiness. You get the same number of breaths in your life every single day as everybody else. What are you doing with all of those breaths? It’s an invitation back into joy.
Thank you. It’s been my honor to get to facilitate this for you. Thank you so much. Blessings.